Solitary
by Gurubiness
Summary: [JinXTouya, songfic 'Solitary'Gackt] Jin goes on a mission, and has been gone for three months, leaving Touya to contemplate their relationship's classification, and to reminisce. Woe...


((I'm trying to get out of Author's Notes at the beginning… But I suppose this one is essential. For a good translation to this, go to animelyrics. com. It's "Solitary" by Gackt, a JPop artist. I –heart—Camui Gackt:3))

"**_Solitary"- Gackt_**

_/Kimi to hanarete omou koto ga aru/_

The wind blew through the treetops, rustling the branches. The crisp breeze felt good on his face. For one of the first times in his life, he was fairly warm—the mixture of the cold wind on his slightly warm face was perfect, and most likely one of the nicest things he'd ever felt. Of course, that is, besides his lover's embrace. But… then, it was questionable to him now if he'd ever feel those warm, strong arms wrap around his body again. These thoughts had run through his mind many, many times, and on countless occasions he'd completely lost hope in seeing his friend again. These were the things he thought when separated from him; yet he was always proven wrong.

_/issho ni iru toki wa kizukanakatta koto/_

Touya shifted his foot against the tree branch. Hell, he didn't even know why he was up there. It had taken him a while to climb up the trunk, he knew that much. He knew that it usually didn't take that long for him to get up into trees like this one. …But he knew, also, that he was usually flown up half-way. The wind rushed into his face again, crashing against his bare arms behind his head; the tip of his nose singed with cold as the breeze passed. The ice messenger shut his eyes against the wind. Opening them again as soon as the wind stopped, he looked forward, and then up. He watched as lightning danced in the distance.

A flash of memory rushed at him: He remembered flying with Jin in the Ningenkai. He remembered how fun it was, weaving in and out of the fluffy clouds he had seen from below, reaching his hands out each time to try and touch them, even though they didn't really feel like anything. He pictured another time. He was sitting in this same tree, on this same branch, thinking just as he was now; Jin hovered at the end of the branch, talking to him about the mission Touya was about to do. Touya knew his worry then and now, but he had made it out all right, had he not? He pictured Jin sitting cross-legged atop an invisible bed of air, gabbing away at him, ears wiggling. He missed lots of things. Picturing him, remembering, Touya'd never realized what a great friend he was. He wasn't really a friend for the most part, but as of late, they'd been spending more and more time to-gether; ah, what the hell, why not! Touya'd decided to label him as a friend. (He'd never had an actual friend.) He really liked Jin, and it had become routine to be with him and speak to him now. Therefore, Touya had been missing him the past three months, missing the abrupt and impudent way he'd be woken up in the morning, how they'd walk and talk (or Jin would talk, rather) for hours in the woods, or how they'd go flying on occasion if the 'weather' wasn't too horrible (though it was almost always what the average person would call horrible; living in Makai all their very long lives, Jin and Touya, along with most others, had gotten used to it), and all those other little things they'd do. He missed Jin, and there was no hiding it. He'd never noticed so many things about him, about how much he liked him as a person, and how much fun they had to-gether.

_/Waraiaeta ano koro wa/_

Touya watched as a bird chased another (though it's not as cute as you suspect it to be). He chuckled to himself. He thought of the times when he and Jin had run around like that, like little school boys on sugar highs, giddy and carefree. They'd be talking, then arguing, and then Jin would always to something to lighten the mood, or to try to make Touya smile; a lot of the times, Jin would pounce on Touya, or tickle him, to which Touya responded by running away laughing—Jin would always pursue him, bearing a grin from ear to pointed ear. Jin always made Touya laugh, no matter when or where. Touya thought he was brilliant simply because he had such a witty sense of humour. Reishyo, as Touya remembered it, would often get mad at them because they'd giggle and chortle at each other late into the night, propped up in their futons to make out the other's ridiculous facial expression in the dark. There were just so many times that the fun they had to-gether was immeasurable. Too many times when the laughs they shared were uncountable; but, of course, there weren't ever too many of those times to Touya.

_/minna onaji you ni naiteita ne/_

Contrariwise, there were times when they had cried. Touya sighed, bringing his legs up to his chin and hugging them. The times, he realized, when they were laughing were almost just the same as the times that they were crying. Touya might've said something terrible to Jin, resulting in Jin's tears, or vice versa. Touya might've shown more affection to someone else than he showed to Jin, or vice versa, therefore making him cry. It bothered Touya, his ignorance; he wasn't sure how lovers acted, he wasn't sure how friends acted, but he knew what both were. _'A friend is a close, trustworthy ally whom you have fun with, feel comfortable with, and can confide in.' _Yes. That sounded like Jin. _'A lover is someone to whom you hold and show your deepest affection. Someone that you love.' _But what troubled Touya was that Jin was like that to him, too. He'd never had neither friend nor lover, so he didn't know what to classify Jin as. He'd cried about that before, about being so confused and feeling so dumb and lost. He told himself that Shinobi did not think of love, that they lived to fight; but he couldn't help himself. He loved Jin as a friend, he knew, but did not know if they were 'lovers' or not. It hurt him to think back on those times of uncertainty. Had Jin gone through the same? Did he cry? Touya would love to know. He figured still, that their times of tears and times of laughter were the same. Sometimes Reishyo would get angry because one (or both) of them lied in their futons in the dark and sobbed late into the night; other times Touya would run away crying, Jin chasing him out of guilt; or Jin would run, and Touya pursue. They were the same.

_/Yorokobi mo kono kanashimi mo wakeatteita yo ne/_

He didn't know whether their tears had added up to more than their smiles, but he knew that he remembered the times of joy more than the times of sadness. They had gone through both to-gether, and stuck it out, despite Reishyo's (and Ruka's, and Bakuken's, and Gama's) complaints. _'If he makes you cry, then leave him alone, wuss!' _Reishyo would say. Nevertheless, they would always return to each other's side, and apologize; which was when—a lot of the times—they'd chase each other. Touya exhaled, crossing his legs and holding his feet with his hands, much like Jin used to do. _'Why do you stay by his side if you're miserable when you're with him, juhyou tsukai?'_ Gama had once asked. _'Because he makes me happy.' _Yes. That was Touya's reply. He remembered Gama had given him a puzzled look, shook his head dismissively, and then walked off. Jin had said the same thing Touya had when Ruka poised almost the exact same question. They went through the sadness and the anger and the guilt and the joy, and all of it, to-gether. But where was Jin now to go through this with Touya…?

_/Dore dake aishite mo/_

Touya stood up, his partially bare feet resting gracefully on the tree branch. _I suppose I did love him… As a friend… As a lover… As a something,_ Touya thought to himself. He'd never loved anyone before. No one had ever loved him. Except for Jin. _'I love ye, Toy. Just can't get over the fact that **I Love You.**'_ Some of the last words Jin had said to Touya ran through his mind. _I love you, too… But, god Damnit, where are you to go through this with me? Where are you to hold me, to hear me tell you that I love you, finally realizing it! We're lovers, we're friends, we're both, Jin, and it's damn confusing to figure out on my own! So where are you to go through this with me? We did it all to-gether. Where the Hell are you now to do it to-gether with me?_ He knew Jin couldn't hear him inside his head. He hoped, but he knew that was impossible. Maybe… Maybe Jin was going through it all with someone else now. Maybe he was confused about whether that other person was his friend or his lover. Maybe Touya'd go through the same thing again with someone else, as well.

_/mou nidoto kimi wo dakenakute/_

Touya jumped from the branch, down onto one below. He sighed again, resting his arm on the trunk and looking off into the blood-red sky sadly. Even though Touya hoped, hoped it with all his heart, he knew in the back of his mind that he'd never see Jin again. He would never be able to chase him through the forest, be chased through the fields by him, sit and talk late into the night, straining to make out the other's face, or go on long walks through the areas that surrounded the Shinobi camp they were currently at and just talk nonsense. He knew he would never be able to train with him again, make fun of Reishyo or Bakuken behind their backs, or go soaring high above the rocky mountains and raging rivers and swaying forests, so high that they were a speck against the crimson-coloured sky. He knew that he'd never be able to hold him in his arms again, or be held by him once more. He'd never feel it again.

_/futari no taisetsu na omoi wa tooku de yurete'ru/_

But despite that, despite the possibility of loving another, or not being able to hold him again, he'd always have the memories. It wouldn't matter whom they loved after separation, even though they'd never be serene in each other's arms, because the memories they shared to-gether were as timeless as this thick, fat old tree Touya stood in. Or the forest the tree dominated. All timeless. The memories… Touya looked over the horizon. He fancied he could see the memories stirring in the distance, trembling bursts of laughter and love, of shouting and tears, of even cold and bitter silence; he fancied the places where the memory had happened depicted it, and showed it as a film of trembling light. Touya felt that way. Like a burst of trembling light, struggling to get free from the grasps of darkness. Jin had taken him so close, so close to the light… And now he's lost it again. He fancied seeing the memories dance in the skies and on the treetops as he hopped down three more branches, growing close to the ground now. Those memories, he knew, would never leave him; they were far too precious.

_/Kimi to hanarete omou koto ga aru/_

Down two more branches, and he was three from the ground. Touya looked around. He saw a kunai knife stuck into a tree not far from his. A sheet of paper was under it. It was serving as a tack at the top of the sheet to hold the paper up on the tree. Jin's note, which Touya had read over and over to the point of memorization since he'd left on that God forsaken mission. Touya'd stuck it there for easy access and privacy. _'I couldn't tell you how strongly I feel for you. It's funny how we have nothing and everything in common. I have a hunch that I won't make it back from this. It's a real toughie. But I want you to know that I appreciate the times we've spent to-gether, both good and bad, and hope--so much that it hurts--that I get to come back and see you again. …Because I love you. And because I like the way you feel in my arms. I guess… the wind around you is just so calm and cool (no pun intended). And it smells real nice, too. Like winter rain and soft-smelling flowers. I like it. If I don't make it back, don't assume I'm gone forever, because I'm not. We'll get back to-gether again, and finish our little conversation. Just know, if anything, that I love you, and value you as a friend. And remember to smile once in a while (that rhymes!), too, you naughty dippy duck, you!' _He knew it. He'd recited the letter in his head. That was the only time he'd heard Jin be so earnest, though he had snuck in a few little things to make him laugh. But he knew it now. He'd finally realized what they were to each other. Yes, they were friends—Touya jumped down three more branches at a rapid pace—but even more so lovers. You would have to be friends to be lovers, right? He'd realized it… Not friends, more than that! Lovers! He loved, he was loved, and had a friend in the middle of it! He couldn't wait to see him, run into his arms and hold him tight, telling him of the months he'd spent without him. Lovers… This was something that'd he'd noticed without Jin. Why had he been uncertain about it before? Now it was so blatantly obvious to him!

_/issho ni iru toki wa kizukenakatta.../_

Touya hopped down to the last branch, and paused. Lovers… If Jin was here… If Jin was here, then Touya wouldn't have been thinking, and would have been too preoccupied with the wind messenger to contemplate their relationship. He only did that when they were apart. Jin would have kept him very busy, and they wouldn't have spoken of their relationship. But because Jin was gone, Touya had thought, and thought, and thought, and finally come to realize that they were in love, and that they were lovers. If Jin had been there, he'd have never ever known. This was something he could never have noticed when they were to-gether. He hopped to the ground, and started to walk back to camp, his cold hands thrust into his pockets. Solitary he would remain, until the day he expected someone (long dead) to return to hold him. The wind blew at his hair and clothes send them backwards. Jin's note pinned to the tree fluttered gracefully to the ground…

_**/Fin/**_


End file.
